a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
