I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
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I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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