just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
