Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
