Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
