About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
