two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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