glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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