i love accidental penises.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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