the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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