I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
