Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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