you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
