Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
