So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
