she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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