sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
