i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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