Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
