Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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