it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
