I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
