Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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