We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
