I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
