She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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