whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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