I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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