Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
