You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
