R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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