I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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