i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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