Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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