Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
