I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
4 words: hood of his car
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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