I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
