Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
