I wannas sexs uuuuu
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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