my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
