when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
