Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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