If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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