After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
