Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
