Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
