I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My pussy is not your playground.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
