neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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