Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
