Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
