i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
