That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
