if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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