i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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