I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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